Mental Health Awareness Month -  breaking the stigma of depression

As someone who has lost jobs, friends and myself to mental health I feel like it is more important than ever to speak out!

Depression and anxiety made me feel so alone. I wasn't living a life I was just existing. The paranoia was so intense that I would push everyone away because I felt like they pitied me, hated me or were just friends with me because they were laughing behind my back.

I didn't enjoy anything anymore and nothing I did or anyone else did could make it better. The safest place was just to stay in bed because no one would be able to hurt me - I was living in constant fear of being a disappointment.

The worst part was feeling like I had let my family down. Depression stripped me of every good thing I had ever accomplished and replaced it with every negative thing I had ever done, so that was all I could think about. I was no longer the bubbly daughter, sister and friend who had achieved a 2:1 at university, or who would go out of her way to cheer anyone up or help anyone out. I was just a shell of a person. Unworthy of living.

I couldn't hold down jobs, relationships or friendships because it was so difficult for anyone to get through to me. Any criticism was like a punch in the face. And any compliment felt like nasty sarcasm. I would sleep all day just to pass the time and hope that if… when I woke up things would be different. When I wasn't sad or numb I would just be so angry with the world and so resentful. I would blame other people for my feelings and make excuses for my own behaviours.

I depended heavily on those around me both emotionally and financially. And unfortunately I have lost people along the way due to how frustrating it must have been, how horrid I was or how ungrateful I seemed.

Many people I know who have suffered with depression. Myself included. Internalise all these feelings. Self harm doesn't just include physical harm but can also include increased alcohol intake, over eating, over sleeping, not sleeping at all, spending money you don't have... at times these things aren't just to "feel better" but to just feel anything that isn't the persistent nothing that depression can give you.

I'm very happy to say that in the last 6 years I have totally turned my life around. I found the real me again and I have never been happier. It has been a long journey... over 15 years on and off. But With the support of my wonderful family, the amazing friends I have around me now and the help of my GP, my psychiatrist, my INCREDIBLE counsellor, colleagues, manager and my wonderful partner - I am such a happier, and more confidant woman - once again living a happy independent life.

You are not weak. You are amazing. Believe in yourself. Don't ever be ashamed. Be happy 🙂

#breakthestigma